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* * *

battle of the souls.
nineteen years and counting.
and still a no fold.
a bundle of all sorts.
to a point of invisibility.
my shallow existence.
neither here nor there.
have to be either this or that.
no hyphenating.
no double labels.
no cross-and-mixing.
so what exactly is wanted?
what exactly is requested?
yearned?
demanded?
desired?
oh i mentioned that already.
limited vocabulary.
makes me all the more contradictory.
here i go again.
ranting endlessly on the most minute of things.
but.
can you give me the wanted?
and the desired?
i choose them words because 
they are the easiest to
COMPRENDE.
fools!

Current Location:
caved.
Current Mood:
pounding. pounded.
Current Music:
immensed snippets.
* * *
infuriated by many
i have come to understand the Plenty.
a first gratitude to a neighbour
ab ovo
the demon internalized.
time was never here to stay
such battles fought never did pay.
i lost a thousand men 
to the mismanaged self
to Marcus Lepidus.
to conspirators?
hailing from the other half.
Presumption and Assumption paints her portrait.
so bewitching. 
such evil unleashed.
horrifying.
'may it be, when darkness falls
your heart will be true.
poor soul, you walk a lonely road.'
my men demanded the ship to be turned around.
the waves washed the rudder
with violence that can only be understood.
have you heard of the great battle?
between Squares and Hearts?
infuriated by many.
i have only understood half of Plenty.
the second half i leave it be
enlightenment will find me
gone all the fury 
come slowly the... 







Current Location:
Winter's Inn
Current Mood:
in solemn prayer
Current Music:
may it be - enya
* * *
zero intentions to bitch.
only simplified for the concerned.

the old ditched me on monday night.
technically only a day before the stage.
coach wanted me to stay.
searched on tuesday.
tuesday night. new partner trained.
only for a few hours. a good achievement.
wednesday morning. eye infection.
partner gave me eyedrops.
which probably triggered the explosion inside.
6pm was the last performance.
it overran.
we ended up waiting till 7ish8pm
eyes were pretty bad. had to pinch/pull them out.
really sticky.
i was 'blind'
they shoved us upfront. cut the queue. we went in.
a tensed atmosphere and a sudden change of plans.
only natural he panicks.

TV never survives without their dramatic essence.
i was the essence.
had a camera following me into toilet.
filming the whole eye situation.
zooming in.
episode 2. i will bring their ratings up.
sky high.

the biggest interest and sharpest thorn.
left the old job.
got a new one.
didnt inform No.1 about prior commitments.
never got consulted about anything.
cancelled trainings. random thoughts.
all his initiation.
i was just a young 19 year old.
presumed to have never worked before.
as a conclusion.
no need for discussion.
condescending. period.
assumed it meant the world to me.
used my problems as our main problem.
here is the catch.
he approached me first.






.end.





Current Location:
temple.
Current Mood:
clearing the fog.
Current Music:
mouth shut - the veronicas
* * *
music fills the spaces in between.

monday night was a disaster. he left me dangling. coach wanted me to stay.
came tuesday a frantic search.
at 6pm. i got a nod. hammered whatever wooden planks we had to cover the hole late into the night.
wednesday morning. the eyes were dry. flipped as much pages as i could. and tried to varnish the new wood.
at 6pm. the plan overran. the eyes got worse. i took them lenses out. i went in blind.
he forgot the routine.
he panicked.
we lost it.

i do not blame him. he only had 4 hours.
but we did execute the most important stunt. a learning curve for us.
a rushed training and a tensed atmosphere.
its only human. and natural that he panicks.
i panicked too. nearer to the end.
i couldnt smile. i couldnt see.
the lights were too glaring.
i couldnt tell which judge was talking to me. the different voices were distinctive enough.
li-lin, gladys and the American. the fourth. i have no idea who is he.
accused of a negative attitude from the start.
i defended myself. things only fell apart on the stage itself.
America was nice to rebuke the others:
"its only fair that we judge her alone. she had partnership problems and now an eye infection.
its commendable that she dares to step up. i wouldnt judge him at all."
a neutral stand. the only stand which would have. which might pulled me to the other side.
gladys, an old friend. with only piercing words.
she created a few tears. none in me.
i know where she comes from. and i agree with her in most.
i clarified what needs to be clarified. i stood up what is worth standing up for.
i bothered when it needed bothering.

i walked out of the classroom with bloody eyes.
headed for the temple. dreading tomorrow.
then i decided to throw caution to the wind.
recuperated enough for a morning read.
bedroom lights. bathroom lights. dining lights. the sunlight.
like ten thousand knives ripping you apart.
auditorium lights. and the cold air. frost bites.
forced them open for an hour and a half. hit the three-quarter mark.
impressive.
took 5. ran another half hour.
i walked out without turning back.
i have no regrets.

returned back.
i only wanted to leave the real.
had a 2 hour stint.
then i drove for what seemed like eternity.
conversing with the inner storm.
with the water god.
from the depths. i pushed upwards.
all i wanted was air.
i bargained with every little piece of me.

come saturday.
i will be freed.
i hope to be freed.

everything will be alright. if i just breathe.
i love the rain.
it keeps me from going away.
the rain told me to stay.







Current Location:
solitary temple.
Current Mood:
treading water.
Current Music:
breathe - michelle branch
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